Is it wrong to be a perfectionist? That’s basically me asking myself after I spent about an hour trying to write the perfect headline for this essay.
I’ve been called a perfectionist plenty of times. Often as a joke made by my family and peers. It never really bothered me growing up, since I never saw it as a problem—what’s wrong with striving for excellence and wanting to do things well, right?
I actually saw it as something commendable, because it’s what made me become the passionate go-getter that I am today.
Looking back, I just always saw people who thought differently as “not up to standards” or plain “lazy.” But over the past two years, I realized that’s not necessarily the case—I mean, who gets to decide what the right standards are for our own lives anyway?
I’ve always considered myself as someone who’s very passionate by nature—may it be about work, social issues, my close relationships, and my hobbies.
I think it started when I was around 9 years old when I took interest in dancing. I did ballet, jazz, hip hop, cheer dancing, and a bit of folk dance from my early childhood up to my teens—and those who may have known me back then would remember that I took dance pretty seriously. I even dreamt of becoming a professional dancer for a time (Spoiler alert: It didn’t happen).
So how did it exactly turn me into a perfectionist? For those who may not know, there are plenty of elements about dance that have to do with precision; such as timing the movements with the right beat of the music, hitting the correct form of each step, making sure to be in sync with your co-dancers, standing on the right mark of your blocking… you get the picture.
All of these aspects I somehow carried with me outside of the dance floor, which up until recently, I saw as a good thing considering that it pushed me to always do my best and “leave everything on the dance floor” aka leaving nothing to feel regretful about.
What I didn’t realize was its effect on me, this process and mindset became an unhealthy development of perfectionism.
People often confuse perfectionism as something to do with “wanting to be perfect” or “needing to do something perfectly” all the time, but it actually goes deeper than that.
According to the Centre for Clinical Interventions’ module on Perfectionism, this is defined by three key areas:
1. The relentless drive for extremely high standards (for yourself and/or others);
2. Judging your self-worth based largely on your ability to strive for and achieve such unrelenting standards, and;
3. Experiencing negative consequences of setting such demanding standards, yet continuing to go for them despite the huge cost.
Now, to be fair, there are ways that perfectionism can be helpful to a person, but for us to completely understand being one, we also have to recognize that there are unhealthy and negative aspects to it as well.
I’ve personally experienced all three mentioned up there in various points in my life. However, I only realized now at the age of 26 that something needed to change. What triggered it was several experiences that made me see how my perfectionist behaviors were already hurting the people closest to me.
At that point, I became frustrated because I thought that I was just being misunderstood—as a perfectionist, you never go into a situation with the intention of antagonizing people. In fact, you push yourself and others to do better because you want things to be the best they can be.
But with that in mind, you have to ask yourself, is pushing yourself and those around you to achieve your self-imposed and extremely high standards worth it? Is it worth the pressure, the effort, the exhaustion, and the emotional roller-coaster that you go through in the process?
A friend of mine actually gave me good advice about a year ago that I still think about to this day. She told me: “Don’t be too hard on yourself when you don’t meet your own standards.”
This was probably one of the best reminders I got from anyone.
I realized that in order for me to let go of some of my perfectionist behaviors, I needed to forgive myself for feeling guilty whenever I missed the mark, and to stop finding someone or something to blame whenever things don’t go according to plan.
I’m grateful to have a great group of people behind me who showed me how to be more understanding and kinder to myself—which in turn, taught me how to be kinder and less judgmental of others.
To this day, I still consider myself a perfectionist, but now I wear that label with a bit more care, as I continue working on myself to become a kinder person, one day at a time.
✺ Words by Alex Castillo, art by Geli Luna inspired by Orla Gartland’s single “Overthinking”
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ALEX CASTILLO IS A TWENTY-SOMETHING PROFESSIONAL STORYTELLER, CURRENTLY PRACTICING AS A STRATEGIC COMMUNICATOR IN PUBLIC RELATIONS AND ADVERTISING. SHE’S ALSO AN ENFP, A KDRAMA ADVOCATE, A LOVER OF ALL THINGS DISNEY, AND A HUGE FAN OF PIZZA AND SUSHI. WANT MORE OF HER REAL TALK? FOLLOW HER ON @IM_ALEXCASTILLO.
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